So, I have to marry a complete stranger?
Well, yes.
He's not some derelict.
He has money.
I just-- I thought that when I did marry...
it could be for love.
Peasants marry for love.
Mary has acreage.
(both sigh)
I'm Stede, by the way.
-I know. Mary. -Stede: Oh, yes.
I know.
Consider... the humble lighthouse.
A beacon, an unwavering light that guides.
And you shall be that for each other.
(horn blows)
For eternity.
(light applause)
Mother Bonnet: Oh, congratulations!
We've purchased something for your big day.
A gift!
-Mary: Oh! Graves. -Stede: Huh.
-Mother Bonnet: Yes! -Wow.
(light classical music plays)
(clattering)
(children laughing)
Stede?
-(laughter continues) -Mary: Stede?
-(girl screams) -Mm-hm?
Will you please play with your children?
Mm-hm.
(playful screaming, laughter continue)
And don't play pirates with them.
They'll have nightmares again.
-Rawr! -(screaming)
Ha, ha!
I'm the greatest pirate that ever lived.
-Ah! Please! -(children laughing)
Any last words, dog?
Spare me! I have a family.
Sorry, boy-o.
Scoundrels spare no one!
Girl's voice: And that's how we treat pirates.
Mary, we were just playing pirates.
(somber music playing)
(children laughing)
(lively classical music plays)
(waves roaring)
Been lookin' for you everywhere.
We need to move quickly, before the Spanish realize
we've massacred all their men.
Oh, the Spanish. They die quite dramatically, don't they? The Spaniards?
Lots of blubbering for their God.
Yeah, agreed. Now, we really should discuss--
Izzy, Izzy, Izzy, Izzy, Izzy. Look out there. Those clouds.
Do they look like frankfurters to you?
They look like clouds, boss. Can we just focus on--
Yes, yes, they look like clouds
because they are indeed clouds,
but if you just put some fucking imagination into it, man.
I suppose they look like sausages.
Frankfurters, yes. Exactly.
It's like pulling teeth with you sometimes, man.
Let's get to it.
What've we got here?
Izzy: Well, the ship sustained some damage in the crossfire,
and the crew's completely useless,
-bottom of the barrel. -Mm-hm. What's the plan for them?
The uszh...
make 'em repair the ship, execute 'em.
-Right... the uszh. -Hm.
Black Pete: I bet he's saying something genius.
He's history's most brilliant tactician.
I wonder if he'll recognize me.
You know, I thought he'd be taller.
-Shush. -Ah! Fuck!
Back to work.
Blackbeard: Boys, boys, boys, hey.
Let's not brutalize our guests like that.
(Black Pete wheezing)
-Pirate: Fuck, yeah! Whoo! -(cheers and applause)
Hello, everyone. I'm Blackbeard.
Huge fan, sir. Huge.
Well, that's lovely, but you don't need to say sir, all right?
It's just Blackbeard.
-Yes sir, Blackbeard, sir! -Nice to meet you.
Hello. Hi. Nice to meet you. Hi, how are ya?
Hey. I love all the rope. Everyone's wearing rope.
Everyone's grubby, as well. Filthy.
Look at this bunch!
Wild characters on the high seas.
(laughs)
-Izzy... -(bird squawking)
Izzy, come here. They've got a bird guy.
Look at this thing.
-Hello. -Karl conveys his warm regards, Captain.
-And Karl's the bird, yeah? -Karl's the bird.
-Sorry, sir, Blackbeard, sir.
I was just wonderin' if we're gonna be able to live or die--
(shouts): Right, come on!
Blackbeard has business to attend to!
-Fang! -(hisses) Back to work!
Oh! Jesus!
Blackbeard: Izzy, why don't we have a bird guy?
(light harpsichord playing)
Mary: Ready?
-Happy anniversary, darling. -(gasps)
Oh... look at that. What is it?
It's a painting...
-of the lighthouse. -Mm-hm.
-From our wedding. -(gasps) Yes!
We are to be lighthouses
-for each other, remember? -That's right.
-Yes. -Yeah, yeah.
And the children did that?
Oh gosh, they're good.
-I painted it. -But they-- Hm?
-You did? -Yep.
Yes, absol-- Oh, you can tell.
Wait! Et voila!
What do ya think?
-It's a toy? -It's a model of a ship.
What would you say to living on something like that?
You, me, the kids... at sea.
Why on Earth would we do that?
I don't know.
Break the monotony.
Our life feels monotonous to you?
No!
No, it doesn't, does it?
Um... I just think that...
(sighs) why waste our time here, day after day,
doing the same old thing...
when we could be doing this!
We could be on a ship having adventures.
Do you know I hate the ocean?
-I said so just the other day. -What? When?
When we were standing by the fucking ocean!
I don't want a boat, Stede!
And I don't hate our lives!
At least, not so much that I would wanna do this!
-I'll get it stopped. -Get what stopped?
-I mean-- -Get what stopped?!
-Nothing. -You're not having this built, are you?
No... No, th-this is just an idea.
This is it. I'm sorry.
That's it.
Blackbeard: This place is amazing.
Izzy, look, look at this shit.
(giggles)
Look at that!
It's a teeny-tiny version of this ship.
It appears so, yeah.
-So, Edward-- -He's got all sorts of knick-knacks
-and trinkets. -Edward?
-This guy's fucking fascinating. -Edward, focus.
-We need a plan. -I'm trying on focusing. I'm focusing
-on all of this brilliant stuff. -Edward, we really need a plan.
-Crazy little trinkets. -Come on, a plan.
Yes! We always need a fuckin' plan, all right?!
And then what? Then we fuckin' execute the plan,
then we get another plan, then what do we do?
We execute that, and so on, and so on,
and again, and again, and again, and again.
It's all so fucking boring!
(heavy sigh)
I'm bored out of my skull, man. Is this all there is?
I shouldn't be bored. I'm fucking Blackbeard.
Well, as bored as you might be, if you don't make a decision soon,
we're gonna fuckin' die.
(contemplative music plays)
Ooh, now, there's an idea. I haven't done that yet.
♪
I haven't died yet, have I?
Maybe we should try that.
Do, do wh-what?
(door closes)
Yeah, 'cause that makes sense.
So, we're thinkin' they're gonna kill us, yeah?
I would if I were them. Look at us.
Ugh... God.
(speaks Spanish), huh?
You've been lookin' at me all day.
So, this whole time you were a woman?
Yeah... I guess.
I don't know.
And you're not a mute?
No, I'm not a mute.
I did not see that coming...
at all.
Buttons: Found somethin' youse might wanna look at.
These wee black dots look about Spanish to me. What do you think?
Izzy: Right.
Fuck.
Fuck, fuck...
Hola.
Mary?
-(whimpers) -Who's this Mary then?
Lucius: Hey, Stede, I really hope you're not dead
'cause things have taken a very--
Oh, u-um...
S-Sorry, uh, didn't mean to bother you.
No bother.
Tell me, can you count?
-Y-Yes. (scoffs) -Backwards.
Um...
Sh-- Yes.
I want you to start counting back
from one hour forty-seven minutes,
and I want you to start...
-Now. -Sixty, 59...
58... 57...
-56... -Good, keep going. Come find me when you're done.
52, 53-- Oh god, shit. 50--
Blackbeard: And fetch us a cold rag, would you?
Absol-- Yes! Whatever you want, sir.
Fif-- Uh, 49, 48...
Coward.
I was a coward.
Stede?
I know you're unhappy.
I'm unhappy, too.
-I'm not unhappy. -No?
Sometimes, I think I-- I've heard you crying.
By yourself?
Uh... no.
It's probably the wind...
you're hearing...
or an owl. Might be an owl.
I know we never would've chosen each other,
not in a million years,
but... all we have is this one life.
We have to try, don't we? Otherwise, what's the point?
(snoring)
(snoring continues)
♪
(whispers): Mary?
Mary?
Dearest Mary...
You deserve happiness, as do I.
My hope is that the vast wealth and property
I leave behind for you and the children
will suffice.
I've sold an acre or two for my own needs,
but the rest is yours.
You're quite right. We only have this one life.
Fond regards, Stede.
Mary: You are such... a disappointment.
-Mary?! -Did you really think a letter was enough?
-Oh, Mary. I've been stabbed. -Yes... Congrats.
I mean, piracy?
You left me to be... a pirate?
It's not you. It was me.
I was just uncomfortable in a married state.
-Father Bonnet: A pirate? -Ah!
He was scared of geese, for Christ's sake. (laughs)
(geese honking)
Goodbye, Stede.
Enjoy hell.
(dramatic music plays)
Captain Stede: Ah! Ah!
Scoundrels spare no one.
Ah! Ahh!
Ahhh!
♪
Hey.
That was a close call, wasn't it?
Got yourself pretty stabbed up there by some Spaniards.
-My crew! -Shh!
-(winces) -Crew's okay. They're fine.
You need to relax. You gotta take it easy.
Otherwise, your guts will start poppin' out all over the place.
What?
Do you work for Blackbeard?
Do--
Never thought about it like that, yeah.
I suppose I do work for Blackbeard.
Hmm... I'm Ed.
Hey...
Stede.
-(hammering) -Psst... Hey.
Are you still Jim?
You know, on account of you being a... (whispers): a lady now.
Haven't really thought about it.
Wee John Feeney: Course she's not Jim.
What kind of a name is Jim for a lady?
My uncle's name is Margaret.
Margaret's kind of an either/or name.
I think Jim's strictly for dudes.
If you're not going to be Jim anymore, can I be Jim?
(Captain Stede sighs)
He probably thinks I'm a fool, that Blackbeard.
-I'm a terrible pirate. -Oh, come on.
You know, most of the pirates I know, they're dead.
So you're doing a hell of a lot better than them.
(scoffs)
You're a good man, Ed.
How long have you been on his crew?
Oh, long enough. Too long, maybe.
To be honest, I'm thinking about packing it all in.
It can be a bit of a grind.
-Is this silk? -Captain Stede: Oh, no.
That's actually a...
rather exquisite cashmere.
Rather exquisite cashmere.
Oh!
Do you fancy a fine fabric?
I think maybe I do.
Yeah.
Can you keep a secret?
(door creaks)
Fuck off.
I've had a few secret passages
built into the ship.
You know, just for fun.
Fucking mental!
This is my auxiliary wardrobe.
It's a back-up to my actual wardrobe.
-Blackbeard: Okay. -Winter jackets.
Autumn vibe.
Summer linen.
(exhales) All of this is yours?
Afraid so. I'm a bit of a clotheshorse.
Oh, I've been lookin' for these.
-Fab. -Izzy: Ed?
Ed?
Edward, you in here?
-We don't have all day! -(softly): Is that Blackbeard?
Hm? No, uh, I'm Blackbeard.
Shh.
Wee John Feeney: We have a serious question to ask you.
-Are you a mermaid? -(chuckles) I told you.
(mouth full) I'm not a mermaid.
-Right, okay. -No, but the way you said that
-was definitely kinda mermaid-y. -Roach: Yeah,
-I heard it. -Frenchie: That's what I was thinking.
-I'm not a fucking mermaid! -All right.
Izzy: Has anyone seen Blackbeard?
-What're you doing? -Eating.
You don't get food when you've been invaded.
You live at my pleasure!
Back to work! Useless fuckin' fuckers!
-(door shuts) -Alls I know is women are bad luck on ships.
-(all agree) -Historically.
-That's a myth. -Frenchie: Well, no,
actually, science...
because women have crystals in their body,
and the crystals attract demons.
And the demons attract misfortune.
You know, the French call it-- Hey! Hey, hey, hey.
I'm only gonna say this once.
-Once is fine. -Mm-hm.
-So, listen up. -Frenchie: Yeah.
I've been on this ship for weeks now...
and we haven't crashed.
-Hm? -We were attacked by the Spanish.
-But-- -Jim: (speaking Spanish) Look, everyone...
I'm gonna keep this very simple.
You all know me as Jim, sí ?
-Frenchie: Yeah, good ol' Jim. -So just... keep calling me Jim.
Huh, nothing's changed.
Except, I don't have the beard...
and my, my nose is different,
and I can speak now, yes.
Anyone got a problem with that?
-(all muttering "no") -Frenchie: Certainly not.
It makes sense. Always liked Jim.
-Yeah, good guy. You know, he's great. -Yeah.
(lively harpsichord playing)
-And this is my pride and joy. -Incredible.
-You've read all of these? -Many times.
These are just my favorites.
(sighs)
Ooh, here's one you might appreciate.
Where is it? Oh.
Yeah.
Oh god.
Is this what they think I look like?
Hm? Fucking viking vampire clown with--
Look at that. There's one, two, three, four...
nine guns all over him. Nine guns?!
-It's... too many. -I have-- I, I have one gun and one knife.
Just like everyone else.
-I didn't mean to upset you. -No, it's not you. It's...
-(winces) -It's just fucking hard sometimes, you know?
You ever feel trapped?
Like you're just treading water?
Waiting to drown?
Yes.
I have...
I very much have felt that way--
Blackbeard always wins.
That's the thing. He can't fail.
It's not even a challenge anymore.
People just see the flag and they freak out. "Blackbeard!"
And they basically just give up. They surrender.
What's the point? I don't even need to be on the boat.
I'm a ghost.
There's no chaos. There's no drama.
There's no fuckin' life!
Look...
I can't believe I'm saying this,
but... have you ever considered retirement?
What the fuck is that?
Oh! Oh...
well, it's when you stop working by choice
to pursue a life of leisure.
-That's a thing? -Hmm.
(sighs) Retirement.
You got it all sussed out, don't you?
You know how hard it is to find someone
doing something original out here?
It's impossible, man.
And here you come with your library,
and your fancy quarters, and your secret little closet
full of, full of frilly shirts and, and summer linens.
(exhales) Fuck.
Look it. There's two chandeliers.
That's overkill.
An open fire on a wooden vessel
surrounded by bits of paper.
You're a fuckin' lunatic, and I like it.
(scoffs)
I know it all seems great,
but, really, if I could just...
-be like Blackbeard, even just for a moment-- -(Blackbeard scoffs)
Honestly, I would give all of this away.
Hey... Do you want to do something weird?
(cheery music playing)
(hammering, sawing)
Crew of "The Revenge,"
please put your hands together,
and welcome
your brave, brave Captain...
Blackbeard.
♪
-Clap. -(slow applause)
Captain Stede: Hello, everybody!
Yes, I am the legendary Blackbeard.
Hello, everyone!
Ooh, ooh, and this is my new pal, Stede.
Ooh, well, how do you do?
-What is even happening right now? -Blackbeard: I know.
Come on, you lot.
Come on. Come on. Line up. Line, line up.
-Line up... -I'm back!
...and greet your Captain.
He escaped the jaws of death.
(confused muttering)
-Glad you're not dead, Captain. -Good to see you.
Did you see that? This is amazing!
A word, Cap'n?
You can be a real bummer sometimes. You know that?
When you tasked me with trackin' that absolute idiot,
I did that, no questions asked.
And when we traced him to a Spanish warship, I attacked that ship,
losin' several of our men, by the way.
Mm, kinda the job. They're pirates.
For years, I've followed your every whim,
I've managed your increasingly erratic moods,
I've massaged this crew when they were worried about your judgment.
-Mm, sounds stressful, Izzy. -It is,
but I did all that
because I was honored to work
for the legendary Blackbeard,
the most brilliant sailor I had ever met.
But now, you're just an... insane,
unpleasant shell of a man
who's merely posing as Blackbeard.
-That's Blackbeard. -(Captain Stede winces)
I'm Stede, remember?
I'm not dying.
Not for that ponce and not for you.
So, I'm gonna devise a plan,
and when we've, once again,
barely eked by to fight another day,
I will very willingly offer you this:
My fuckin' resignation, you absolute twat!
(grunts)
Oh, it's you.
(grunts and winces)
How quickly can we move this vessel?
I'm not sure. That's really the crew's thing.
-Ah! -How are you stocked for munitions?
Ed! Do you know this guy? He's a complete asshole!
-Ooh! -Ivan! Fang!
Prepare the guns. Execute anyone who won't fight.
-What? -Well, Blackbeard...
what do you think?
-Do you concur? -Me?
I mean, you wanted to be Blackbeard,
this is what it's like.
We could just talk to them.
Okay, yes, and do you speak Spanish?
-No. -Mmm.
Maybe they understand ecclesiastical Latin.
-Twenty, 19, 18, 17, 16... -Uh-oh, time's almost up.
-What're you gonna do? -What?!
They're on us now. Time for a new idea, Stede.
-W-W-We talk. -The crew's gonna die.
-I don't... have an idea! -Hurry, you're gonna lose all your men.
It's all gonna be your fault.
-Six, five...- -All of the men who trusted you.
-I don't know! -All their blood's gonna be on your hands.
-It's going to be your fault! -I don't know!
-Time's up! -I don't what to do!
Death it is.
-But, wait-- -You're a genius, Blackbeard!
I knew you'd save us.
What?
(ethereal music playing)
♪
I don't believe it.
This fog's as thick as stew.
No one'll see us in this.
Oluwande: This is why you do not doubt Captain Blackbeard!
-Genius on the ship! -(cheers and applause)
-Alright! -Bravo.
You knew this would happen?
-How? -Quite simple, really.
The color of this morning's sky
coupled with the... brisk westerly wind
made me think we'd be safe.
And then, the shape of the clouds confirmed it.
-Frankfurters. -Blackbeard: Yeah.
-Fuck me. -(laughs)
Izzy, I figured the fog would set in
once the sea cooled around dusk.
(all impressed)
'Cept we're right in their path.
They'll run smack into us.
Correct! On any other day.
For it is September 2nd...
and tonight's a full moon.
So lift anchor, and let the ocean current
drift us into the warm embrace of safety.
-(cheers and applause) -Ed, it's--
Ed, Ed, it's September 1st, boss.
-What's that, mate? -It's September the 1st.
-Dickfuck, no, it's not. -He's right. It's the 1st.
The full moon's tomorrow.
-It's a leap year. -Captain Stede: Leap year?
Does that change things much?
Yeah.
We're goners.
(somber music playing)
Those of you who can swim would be wise to do it now.
-Wait, what are you gonna do? -I'm sorry.
Where are you going?
The Captain goes down with the ship.
I'm gonna get pissed.
Blackbeard!
Captain Stede: Wait... Ed.
I never got to see the world.
Ah, it's a bit of a letdown to be honest, mate.
It's just kind of rocky and flat, and rocky and flat.
You know, I thought I'd have a cooler death than this.
Something like being eaten, eaten by a tiger,
or massaged to death by mermaids,
or... belly-flopping into a volcano.
(children laughing)
Blackbeard: What's that painting?
What is it? A grain tower?
Oh, it's a lighthouse.
I should've been one for my family.
-And guide them. -Blackbeard: Hmm.
Well, technically, you're supposed to avoid lighthouses,
so you don't crack up on the rocks.
-I never really thought about it that way. -Mm, no one does.
Both: We need to be a lighthouse!
(buoyant music playing)
(quiet chatter)
All right, lads! I'm here!
(grunting)
All right, that should do it.
-All right. -Is this gonna throw enough light?
Blackbeard: Should do. Here.
-Take a swig. -Yeah?
-Don't swallow it. -Mm.
Okay, would you blow into those flames there?
-Careful of your face. -Mm!
Do it, man! Give it a go now! Go!
Yeah, that's it. That's it!
Take another swig. Give it another go.
In three, two, one, blow!
Oh, yes.
And again!
Keep going. You there, do it!
Now!
-(imitates foghorn) -And stop!
(foghorn stops)
(speaking Spanish)
(foghorn sound)
Again!
(imitates foghorn)
(stops)
(flames whoosh)
(cheery music playing)
(quietly): We did it? We did it!
-(quiet laughter) -Hey, guys.
-(cheering) -Fuck, yes!
(shushing)
Yes! We fucking did it!
Looks like we're gonna live after all.
For a little while longer, at least.
Do you think...
I can go back to being mute?
Hey.
Try this.
(Blackbeard sniffs)
Oh... that's some damn good marmalade.
It's the best.
Ship's stores are loaded with it.
Had to get rid of some gunpowder,
but I think it was the right move.
"The Gentleman Pirate."
I should take a leaf out of your book.
And then we'll live the high life.
I could take one out of yours.
Maybe I'll live a little longer.
Could be arranged.
If you were to show me the ways of an aristocrat...
I could probably show you a thing or two
about being a blood-thirsty pirate.
(chuckles) Wouldn't that be something?
(chuckles)
(birds cawing)
-You're serious? -It's the most fun I've had at sea in ages.
Okay...
Agreed.
-(Blackbeard laughing) -Whoa.
Okay.
-(clattering) -Ah...
Oh, I should deal with this.
(ropes creaking)
Izzy?
I said some things I regret last night.
I don't think you're a shell of a man...
or a twat.
(Blackbeard sighs)
You were right, man. About all of it.
-Have you ever heard of "retirement"? -Mm.
That's not much of an option in this line of work.
The only retirement we get is... death.
What if Blackbeard turned up dead?
(ominous music playing)
His corpse disfigured beyond recognition, of course.
But still be identifiable as Blackbeard.
Blackbeard: Well, he's wearing Blackbeard's clothes,
he's on Blackbeard's ship.
-What happens to you? -I'm not even here.
My name's Stede Bonnet.
I'm a wealthy landowner.
Of course, the crew would need a new captain.
Someone who really knows the ropes.
You mean me.
I suppose it could be me, yeah.
I need you here.
Edward?
You still got it.
I know.
("The Empty Boat" by Caetano Veloso playing)
♪ From the stern to the bow
♪ Oh, my boat is empty
♪ Yes, my heart is empty
♪ From the hole to the how
♪
♪ From the rudder to the sail
♪ Oh, my boat is empty
♪ Yes, my hand is empty
♪ From the wrist to the nail
♪ From the ocean to the bay
♪ Oh, the sand is clean
♪ Oh, my mind is clean
♪ From the night to the day
♪